Letting Go and Letting God

Inspired Bible Book: Matthew 8-9

Coming to UTSA has shown to me that the Lord always has a larger plan. All my friends are going to different schools, so I was really worried about finding some here in San Antonio. Since I have been here, I have found a community that shares my faith. My small group has become some of the closest friends I have. They have built my faith in the Lord through weekly bible studies and prayer, plus they are just great people to hang out with.

The closer you get to the Lord, the Holy Spirit shows you areas in your life that you need to change to grow in your faith. Through bible study and inner reflection, I realized I still don't fully trust in the Lord. I was so confused and did not want to believe it. I thought, of course, I trust God! What do you mean? But further bible studies have exposed my fear to be vulnerable.

When I was younger, I had some friendships that were extremely toxic. I went through severe bullying and fights at school. I was too scared to tell my parents and none of my teachers who saw what was happening helped me. Some of the friends I had at the time, spread rumors about me at school and used my personal issues against me. I was constantly in a state of “drama” with no one to turn to. I decided to turn my life around and get help. During this time I rebuilt my connection to the Lord and got baptized. From there, I would turn to God and just tell him what is on my heart. We would sit and talk about my friends and the drama that was occurring. God began to take those people out of my life and introduced new friends who love me and care about me.

Although while it was a positive experience, this built a very closed shell around me. It was always me and God. Because I relied on him to save me from others, I never trusted anyone else around me completely. This made me extremely dependent on myself. This mindset has followed me all my life and has hindered the growth of any real connections to my new friends. While of course, we share memories and jokes I do not share any personal issues or anxieties. The friends I have made since finding the Lord have been nothing but kind, caring, and compassionate. Yet I find it extremely difficult to tell them what is going on in my life. I developed a fear of being vulnerable. This created an extreme “control” problem. I had to be in control of every relationship so I don't get hurt like last time. This strained my relationship with the Lord. I grew closer to Him but I still did not fully trust in Him, just in case.

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” -- Psalms 55:22

I was a broken vase and desperately trying to put myself back together. Although in that process, I was constantly cutting myself with the shards of broken glass. I would rather hurt myself instead of allowing God to fix me because I felt like one day he might hurt me too.

I know God is real and that he works in mysterious ways. But I was lacking the trust and faith in him that I needed for his healing to manifest. Jesus’s teachings in Matthew 8-9 focuses on the faith every person had when coming to Him seeking healing or deliverance. A leper approaches Jesus and says “Lord if you will, you can make me clean”. He does not doubt Jesus, he knows and fully believes that he is able to heal him. He has only heard what the Lord has done, yet he has extraordinary faith despite what has happened to him in the past. Every story focuses on the immense faith and trust each one of the sick or disabled had in the Lord. They were already healed, but once they tapped into their faith, it manifested. This forced some introspection, which made me ask, “What part of my life do I not trust God to handle?”

“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” -- Jeremiah 32:27

The same Lord who created the whole world and heavens is on my side. Why would I not trust in his ability to help? No matter what I have been through the Lord has never left me in fact, he has pulled me out of several dangerous situations. Despite my falling into sin and being distracted, he has consistently shown his neverending love and grace. I need to trust Him to do what he wants with me and fully surrender.

“ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ ” -- Jeremiah 29:11

All my self-inflicted anxieties have turned me into a very closed person, who is skeptical of everyone around me. Discernment has always been good for me but never trusting those around me harms my relations with others.

He always has our best interest. We do not have to worry about anything because he is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord our Provider. Of course, we have our own goals and worries, but we can fully trust the Lord to take control and get us where we need to be.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” -- Philippians 4:6

The Lord will not leave us. He is the source of our help. He is the Lord who keeps us, who does not slumber nor sleep. He is our keeper and our shade. He will protect our going in and going out. He will preserve our souls. Amen.

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Helpful Links:

Bible- https://www.biblegateway.com/

UTSA Chi Alpha- https://www.sachialpha.com/